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Thread: Losers - A Poker Serial

  1. #1
    yoyo is offline PNW Elite
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    Default Losers - A Poker Serial

    Disclaimer: This work was orginally posted anonymously on RGP a number of years ago. It was widely suspected that Larry W. Philips (the author of 'Zen and the Art of Poker') was responsible. Although I wish I could write humour like this, nothing you will read in this serial is my work. Enjoy!____________________________________________ _____Part 01 - "Where the sand turns to gold."=========================================If this were a major motion picture, it would open something like this:[Establishing shot of Spaulding, drunk as a sailor, seated at a 5/10 Hold'Em game at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.]Board: As Kc 5d - 3h - 4hLocal troglodyte shows KdKh.Spaulding studies the board through glasses thick enough to enable anormal-sighted person to view Neil Armstrong's footprints.Spaulding: How many more cards do I get?Dealer: That's all sir, please turn over your cards.Spaulding: (Flips over 7d 2s.) Eight, hit me.Dealer: Straight is good. (Pushes Spaulding the pot).Spaulding: This is pai-gow, right? (He spots a cocktail waitress)Spaulding: Sweetheart? Waitress: Yes sir?Spaulding: Can I get a lap dance? Waitress: (Sigh) We've been through this before sir, I'm a waitress, WAY- TRESS. Can I bring you something to drink? (Mumbling) Like I don'talready know the answer to that question.Spaulding: OK, do you have any chamomile tea?Waitress: Certainly sir.Spaulding: I hate that shit. Tea is for pussies! Bring me a double ginand tonic; don't go overboard with the tonic. And a beer.[Waitress already anticipated Spaulding's seventh identical order and hasit on her tray. She serves him. He folds a dollar in half and sticks itin her cleavage.][Spaulding, now narrating in voice-over]: "Listen. Here's the thing: ifyou can't spot the drunk in your first 12 cocktails, then you ARE thedrunk. Hey, good for you." p o u n d e r s [Cue opening music: Spaulding rises and, gin and tonic in hand, dancesabout the card room singing the following, to the tune of Rogers andHammerstein's "Favorite Things."]"Raising on pipe dreamsthen catching my one outLots of trash talking and being a drunk lout My seven-deuce offsuitthat shatters your kingsThese are a few of my favorite things...""Getting so drunk thatI don't know what I've gotCold calling anyway then dragging a huge potDouble Wild Turkeysthat the cute waitress bringsThese are a few of my favorite things...""Beating your aceslike a rented little brotherWaitress! A bourbon!then how 'bout anotherSucking out on you then shouting Cha-ching!These are a few of my favorite things...""When my hand bites,When the flop stinks,When the turn card makes me mad,I simply rely on what the river brings,To give you a beat that's so bad!"But this isn't a major motion picture. So forget all about that and payattention to the following amalgamated trip report, such as it is.Disclaimer ----------"Brevity is the soul of wit," the immortal Bard advises us. "Vigorouswriting is concise," admonish Strunk and White. "Fuck that," I say,editing is a pain in the ass. We prefer the view of a more modern man ofletters, who astutely observed that "repetitiveness is the cornerstone ofdrunkenness." So this will be l o n g. In particular, it is filled withlengthy, non-poker stories that form the lore of our loser culture. Ifyou're looking for poker content, you should killfile us now. If you find reading strenuous, this would be a good time to step away fromthe computer. Go pursue a less challenging activity, like trying tobalance your beer on your stomach without losing track of the plot on aFacts of Life rerun. While we're giving out warnings, I'd say you're a 27.5:1 favorite to begrievously offended by something in here, if you haven't been already. Infact if nothing in this report offends you, you must be some kind ofcomplete degenerate. Like us."All the World's a Stage"-------------------------In "Super/System", Mike Caro observes that people present themselves notas they are, but as they wish to be perceived. This is true away from thepoker table as well. In life, most people present themselves as matureand responsible adults.Not us.The four core members of this garbage-poker playing society -- Spaulding,Manbeast, Snow White and myself (Variable, you may call me) -- have beenfriends since early childhood. We all know each other far too well to puton any act. So even though individually we all behave like reasonablyrespectable, responsible and mature people, when you put us together akind of reverse synergy occurs, and our behavior plummets to a level thatLarry, Moe and Curly would describe as "totally immature."If you can deal with childlike behavior, half-in-the-bag buffoonery, lotsof naughty words, and unbridled id, read on. If not, save yourself theaggravation.Disclaimer time is over. You have been warned. Continue at your ownperil.--- To be continued ---Coming in part 02 - Loser weight loss secrets

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    yoyo is offline PNW Elite
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    Default Losers - A Poker Serial

    There are 9 sections to this serial. I will post the first 6 over the next week or so (I only have the first 6). Apparently all 9 were posted on RGP, but I have searched Google and had no luck finding the last three - so if you like it as much as I did, go to Google and read on.yoyo

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    Admin's Avatar
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    Default Losers - A Poker Serial

    And what are your favourite things?

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    Tam
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    Default Losers - A Poker Serial

    Thats obvious Master ! Yoyo is a cinch LOLCutting wit, loose women, poker and booze!!In that order! And yoyo keep this stuff coming, it's hilarious!Tam

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    desquire is offline PNW Lurker
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    Default Losers - A Poker Serial

    Yoyo,I found this site which looks like it has all 9 parts. Just in case anyone else is interested. I've read the first part you posted and thought it was brilliant. So here's the rest for everyone....http://www.talkaboutgambling.com/group/rec.gambling.poker/messages/527127.htmlCheers All...

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    yoyo is offline PNW Elite
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    Default Losers - A Poker Serial

    lol thanks for that desqire - I went and checked out the few I'd missed...hilarious stuff!As the serial is so long, I'll keep posting one at a time, for people who don't have the time to read the whole thing at once."Listen. Here's the thing: ifyou can't spot the drunk in your first 12 cocktails, then you ARE thedrunk. Hey, good for you."yoyo

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    desquire is offline PNW Lurker
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    Default Losers - A Poker Serial

    ....I can't see how anyone would not want to read the whole lot once they got started. This is some of the best reading I have done in ages, and if saw me, you'd swear that Neandethals were iliterate....well there goes that theory... Anyway, thanks for pointing me to this. I haven't stopped laughing at some of the things this group gets up to. I think I'll make a little 'book' out of it and add it to my book collection in the 'must read' section.... Great Stuff...Cheers All...

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    danielg is offline PNW Elite
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    Default Losers - A Poker Serial

    Tam,any red-blooded male aged between 17-death wants all those things in any order lol,the bit about the drunk is GOLD pure GOLD.CheersDaniel

  9. #9
    yoyo is offline PNW Elite
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    Default Losers - A Poker Serial

    Hmmm, my favourite things..ok here goes:Warm weather, a good cognac, a good shiraz, Gaz check-raising me all in when he has 3 outs, intelligent and witty conversation, online bonuses, a prize-winning novel, brunettes with attitude, 'A Few Good Men', a good cigar, a good Panang curry, being the chip leader at the business end of a tournament, Quentin Tarantino movies, sushi, unexpectedly small utility bills, watching a complicated backline play in rugby, 'The Amazing Race', Natalie Portman, and watching my little brothers and sisters open presents...but not necessarily in that order.How about you Master, Tam and Dan?yoyo

  10. #10
    gaz
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    Default Losers - A Poker Serial

    My favourite thing...Hitting one of my three outs after check-raising yoyo all in.

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