How to be the Perfect Poker Playa in 2010...

PokerNetwork regular Vincent "Wonky" Wan takes a tongue-in-cheek look at how you can work on your poker game away from the felt so you can roll with the big boys.

Look this isn't an article about how to play poker, as I'm seriously not interested in helping fish outplay me. But this is an article about vital tools in being a kickass poker playa without even playing a hand.

Step 1 - Look 'Da Bomb' or be a total loser

You got to dress the part...

Wear normal shit and you must be a recreational playa.  A suit? Please, playing hookie from work?  C'mon get serious - get yourself a cap (preferably with Full Tilt on it) then some sweet sunnies.  None of this Bolle or Oakleys...you need Armani, Prada or Gucci!   Then top it off with either an Ed Hardy top or a big set of headphones.  You could also give yourself an extra edge by getting a toothpick, but used incorectly and you could look to be trying a little hard.

Step 2 - Bling

Get yourself a big fucking watch!  Without this shit you can't see what time it is!  If you have a fossil, citizen or Gshock you have no clue and should be escorted straight to PokerPro. Recommended wearing includes Tags, Rolexes, Raymond Weirs and anything with big fucking diamonds on it. For the low limit players SwissReplicaWatches.com.au

Step 3 - Talk Good and use Tech stuff

Speak the language and communicates...listen up peeps...dis is where its at...anytime someone says something about you, bad or good, you respond with pleeeeaassse mate! Followed by trying to make them look silly by using words such as 'donkey', 'banana' or, to totally bamboozle them, use 'queef' correctly and you will have opponents googling on there iPhones.  Bad beats should also now be told on Facebook status updates or tweeted.  Told in person is just a bit old school.

Step 4 - Show me the Money

EFTPOS card roullete and prop bets - McDonalds now accepts EFTPOS so there's no excuse for not playing EFTPOS card roullete anywhere you eat with anyone who plays poker. It might cost you a couple Angus burgers but the satisfaction of looking like a real player amongst your peers can be significantly rewarding.  Of course, how can you be the best without making ridiculous prop bets? Call me crazy, but I like betting the over and unders on how many minutes it takes for the waitress to bring back my Latte.

Step 5 - Online Knowlegable Stuff

Finally, get yourself on a poker forum like PokerNetwork.com!  Here is a wealth of abuse, levelling and fun games.  Not only will this improve your game but you can get into the heads of Australia's best MTT'ers, STT'ers and cash games players. You'll get plenty of info on Hold'em Manager, free porn sites, tournament strategy and the Sydney gay scene.

So don't get seperated from the real playas and the Wannabes in twenty-ten....peace!