YoYoFarewell?

YoYo has been our most prolific and readable post for many years.; Good luck in his new venture.
His closing thread on the Pokernetwork Notice Board is worth recording.
Posted: 05:57 PM 26 May 08 Subject: Let's Say All The Things We Wanted To Say But Never Did..... ** Edited by yoyo at 06:01 PM on 26 May 08 (the longest post of my life, but so easily the best - or the worst - hmmm) In celebration of my imminent departure from this fine forum, I have produced a psychological assessment on each major forum posters. Admin, feel free to sticky this so new players who don't have me here to tell them what is what, can refer to the list and realise what the score is. Thank you. _________________________________________________ Maurie Master - Will always have the utmost respect for the Master. Has probably done more for Australian poker than anyone else. I've always agreed with the Master on most things, except censorship of political stuff. Stick - Witty, intelligent and a faithful solider when I went to war with PNW. Was given a medal of some kind in recognition for bravery then either used as cannon fodder or forgotten about. The life of the grunt is not a pretty one. But once a year, people get to march in the memory of your death and most of them are able to successfully delude themselves into thinking you died for something, when really you died because a British general who is only a general because of family connections decides that he’s going to send 20,000 of you into machine guns and hope the Turks run out of bullets. The only thing I’d die for would be something like the French Revolution, mostly because La Guillotine was hot and because I’ve read Les Miserables. Also, the accessibility of revolutionary girls should not be under-rated. Actually, if there was a Reverse Crusades, i.e. a war where we patriots were fighting to end all religion…I’d fight for that war. Religion is a pyramid scheme. AB - Sacrifices small children and animals on private conservative altars deep in Liberal Party headquarters. Hates poor people. Loves elitism. Wants poor people to pay for their own MRIs when they have life-threatening diseases. Believes illness is a punishment meted out by God for not being holy. Was once quoted as saying: "Poor people are poor because God is punishing them." AB is highly religious. He believes people are born either good or evil. God protects the good ones and makes them wealthy. The evil 3 yr old black ones get to die of malnutrition. In the Bible, because Ham raped his drunk father, God cursed Ham’s descendants for all eternity. I’m not making this shit up, trust me. This is in the King James Bible. God is a retard. “Don’t question God’s methods”, says AB. It’s blasphemy to question God’s omnigayness. AB believes God rewards church-goers and punishes those black heathen 3 yr olds for not embracing Christ as their lord and saviour. AB wants rich people to pay zero tax. He wants to abolish all forms of welfare and has been quoted as saying "its better that 10,000 innocent men are killed than for one guilty man to escape the death penalty". If AB was forced to kill 1 baby to save 2 babies, would probably kill all 3 both to teach the babies a lesson about covert ops and to reclaim the element of surprise. AB is a future PM of Australia. If was up to him, we'd be landing troops on Chinese beaches because "haven't we all learned from Chamberlain that appeasement gets us nowhere?" Universal conscription would be enabled, martial law declared, all human rights suspended. All 'suspicious' looking suspects subjected to the cleansing truth of torture (this was a compromise, AB's initial suggestion was to throw them in a river with rocks tied to their ankles. If they float, they are innocent. If they sink, they are guilty). I will still vote for him when he runs for PM. It's good to have powerful friends, even if they are evil and conservative. For young players, this is called "moral relativity". Heil AB. (Disclaimer: AB is actually very much a nice little Conservative. To the best of my knowledge, he does not sacrifice babies or animals in Liberal Party headquarters. Or believe in any of the other stuff. My comments are just satire. Don’t throw stones at AB when you meet him or abuse him in any way. In Australia, we are all innocent until proven guilty, and vigilantism sucks. If we lower ourselves to that level, we are nothing more than animals, and we only serve to prove AB right!) LuckyTonyD - nice guy when he occasionally gets away from his 2+2 and P5 cults to advertise his blogs on PNW. Can play good poker in MTTs. Writes “He Said, She Said” articles with BondGirl – these are both interesting and educational and I learn a lot from them. Mark Vos - charming and hilarious when on song, when off, borderline dooshbag. Hilarious when attacking other parties, but cannot be trusted with ANY form of sensitive information which could be used to embarrass you. He is the mouth from the south, and uses logic like "Well the potential comedy value overrides my promise not to say anything about your secret". I fear him and I hear his information, therefore I will continue to fake cordiality when talking to him. thret - Made a bad start, lots of inexperience comments regarding variance and stop and go’s. Has developed into intelligent poster. His sense of humour sucks in that he finds things funny which are not funny. This does not make him a bad person though. 99% of PNW has either no sense of humour or a terrible sense of humour. This doesn’t not mean all 99% of PNW are bad people. You can grow a sense of humour, thret I will help you with this. Start with Knock-Knock jokes and work up. Here is one: KNOCK-KNOCK! Thret: “Who’s there?” Jonny: “No one, you retard. It’s just a joke.” Here is another one you can pull out which is suitable for all ages: Why are pirates called pirates? A. Because they arrggghhh. acehighwine - Good old Max from Perth. Enemies 0. Friends Many. Obviously this is ghey, it’s important to have enemies. I have never trusted a man without enemies. I also dislike him intensely for winning the Sunday Million. I think winning makes him a bad person. Billy Joel said “only the good die young”. I don’t know what that has to do with the Sunday Million, but I think Billy Joel was trying to say “only bad people win tourneys”. Max, if you can't find any enemies, email me with declaration of hostilities and I will respond in kind. Don’t even think about recruiting that Stick grunt. He’s my grunt for life, if he’s even able to use that prosthetic limb of his. luckyshares - Great guy. Hasn't yet seen the movie When Harry Met Sally or, if he has, does not believe in the premise. I pray I am invited to the wedding of lucky and his lovely beau. Is American which is not something anyone would admit in public, but he seems to be ok with it, and I admire his courage in rising above his ethnic disability. Tam – Sweet lady overall. Was nice she helped the Balinese family with their gambling bankroll. Red 32 one time one time!! Bugsy - I'm a big fan of Bugsy. He taught me a lot about the gambling industry. He taught me a lot about Hollywood Showgirls. He taught me how to casino bonus whore like a sexy whore. He helped my "friends" win $15,000 from Mansion Sportsbook retardation. He was the degenerate father figure I never had. marchione - Seems like a good guy willing to help out where he can and get involved. Has claimed Paul Koury is racist towards Americans. But who isn’t? Regardless, I believe this issue is yet unresolved and I would like to use my objective impartiality to resolve it. Air hockey for rollz is just about the only way to settle these things. Russian Roulette is also an intelligent way of reestablishing your honour. Pistols at 10 paces. All this stuff is gold. JK - champion guy. Pros: heart of gold, generous to a fault, ethical and charming, hates Vos. Cons: Cannot understand even simple low-level mathematics, does not believe in the concept of random variance. Overall a champion guy and good Moscow tour guide and I’m in his debt for his hospitality. Zero - provided everyone with a lot of material back in the day. Is now appearing a lot more intelligent and stable, probably a great deal more intelligent and stable than I am. I miss the old Zero at times though. I thought more of him when he used to show us his baller stuff and regale us with tales of hot girls he'd picked up and transported around thanks to Party Poker. I hate it when people get normal on me. No material ffs. Brian McDonald - Used to be my favourite poster on JNW. I was his biggest ever fan, I had his picture on my wall in my office. On quiet nights, I would wistfully daydream about one day prancing through the fields holding hands and being wittily awesome together. Unfortunately, one day, he mixed up his uppers with his downers and he's been an aggressive crackpot since, totally killing the fantasy. I turned the other cheek like the Bible told me to a number of times. Then I organised Photoshop awesomeness. Brian is probably too far gone to save, but with the help of Jesus Christ and some high quality Zoloft, he may yet be able to lead a relatively normal life. If not, there should still be some good humour on the downward spiral. THE FIDDLA - probably a decent guy with only two faults, those being that he always wanted to be involved with the cool kids and also that no one explained to him his beanie sucked. “To be a celebrity, kill a celebrity”, said someone one day. I think it was JFK. Fiddla attacked celebrities like Vos with the aim of becoming associated with them via mud rather than more respected social strategies, like stalking. Stalking is under-rated. I think stalking is romantic. No way to show someone you really care than by being there for them all night outside their bedroom window. Fiddla has also been a lot more stable lately; medications working smoothly are the most likely explanation. I have no animosity to the Fiddler. I would have a beer with him these days, ofc keeping a close eye on my beer for Rohypnol. Gaz - Steals most of my best lines, of which I don't have many. Loves a good story. Doesn’t always let fact or truth get in the way of a good story (sign of a talented storyteller). Loves a good joke. Loves me. Loves stealing my good stories and my good jokes. Together Gaz and I may eventually do big things, or end up as rent boys (I the pimp) turning tricks for a bit of foil. Either way, we gonna get rich. Anamul - go bounce. Good guy. Lately some anger creeping into his posts, but anger on JokerNetwork only means you are normal. Rage Against the Machine Anamul! It’s healthy. Duff85 - honest, ethical, sexy to boot. Made me 1k on MLB awesomeness before I knew him. Was a central character in the Martin Harvey expose which cost old Martin and his new accounts a job. Still good for a laugh, that Martin Harvey saga. Hannibal - one of the greatest posters in PNW history. He directs fiery hot metallic ball shots at anyone who crosses him, including his mother, dominatrix’s, Levick and PokerDome - and hilarity ensues. I'm going to put Hannibal in the top 10 of my all-time favourite posters (MCD multi’s hold the other 9 spots, led by Simon Says “you woant hear me cumin, you woant hear me roare”). I would like to blow soft air on Hannibal’s thighs and seduce him. Why screw with a proven method? WhyNotMate - I don’t think I know this person. In real life, I’m sure he's cool. But on forums, he says dumb stuff. Like his Titan thread where he expects a poker site to give him password info without any way of proving he is the account holder. Commonsense FTW pls. Everytime you don’t understand something, follow this thought process: 1. Am I a moron? 2. Am I having a moronic day? 3. Am I having a moronic moment? 4. If the answers to all those questions are ‘No’, then you are safe to say, “This site is moronic.” For you, I think you should have paused at Step 2. Maybe Step 1 but I don’t know you that well. DaLiquidator - That chat was not funny. It made me shiver once and cringe once. But that's it. I never laughed, or even smirked. Poker chat is rarely funny, unless you’re talking to NETeller. People are rarely funny, unless you’re me. I'm a freaking hilarious character and I can’t even come up with good chat material. My only good chat lines are stolen: Arul: "walk it off" MCD: "vamoosh" Dimitri Martov: "I wish there was an FPP option...to kill your whole family." Rekruk: "I don't have a favourite hand. I think shit like that is fucking stupid." By the way, alcohol and weed is for noobs and small children. Real men take Xanax. Seriously. It's like the coolest ever thing to do right now. Norman - I'm gonna tag 'tool' because you did not insta feel the love for me. Also, I was pretty sure you were Steve Jones. Lately I detect a begrudging respect from you for my awesomeness and you have delivered some ok quality of your own. For this reason, I'm willing to place you on "friend: probation" status. But let's not speak to each other and if we see each other across the street, let's pretend to be engrossed in our papers. nickkaka - Initially I pegged Nick here as a guy who would struggle to succeed at poker. I may even have brushed his questions aside once or provided curt, unhelpful responses. I'm glad to say he has proved me totally wrong and is a very solid player and a great guy to boot. Call me soon Nick, we'll do what boys do when they meet in Times Square in winter....I have absolutely no idea what that means either. It was in my head; then it was on the page. Deleting and editing is for fags. Real men plow on. JonnoP - Great guy. Terrible haircut. Said to barber, I want these Crown chumps to know I mean business and they made him look like Barry Hall. I love Jonno (as non-gay guys can love gay guys) but I recently accidentally called him a retard on PNW without knowing he was the person making the decision. a) I still feel bad about it. b) his decision was technically correct. c) I don’t want to get pole axed by Big Bad Bustling Barry. Jonno, I owe you beers and possibly a striptease next time I see you. I will be performing the striptease. Puzz - So much talent. So little discipline. Great work ethic. Terrible mental control. Potential to be in top 10 Aust NL players. Could make a fortune or go broke in 2008. I'm betting on the former. Pros: Has insanely cute girlfriend. Cons: Is Armenian. Is friends with Punty. The Croat - Name sullied in father/son multi-account incident. Possibly was innocent. Dad can be a dooshbag but showed exceptional writing ability which warmed me to him. But my Serbian mate once told me: "Never trust a Croatian." You just can't argue with that logic, can you? I love hatred of other people based on their ethnicity. The intelligence of that logic makes me want to beat up fundamentalists. orsum - 79 posts of soapbox ranting about the negatives of monopolies. 9 yr olds understand his 'Position Statement' in his signature - and Orsum never realised that CAPS LOCK typing sucks and that punctuation is also cool. Orsum, like so many other Australians, missed the day they taught supply/demand in school, and instead like to focus on things like what they think they "deserve". No one 'deserves' anything. You fight for what you want, you fight for what you need, you shed blood, tears, guts, you sacrifice your body’s health to get to your goals. Nothing is ever handed on a platter, with the possible exception of condoms at a swingers’ party and, even then, you need to make sure someone hasn’t poked holes in them all as a joke. I have a little boy named Charlie somewhere who doesn’t think that was a funny prank. Even though orsum’s argument is valid at solid primary school level of thinking, orsum "deserves" ridicule for doing nothing in 3 years about it. CAPS LOCK Forum signatures don't change the world, my friend. Intelligent, targeted action does. Admin - Good guys trying to do a tough job. I disagree with some of the thread deletions over the years, particularly political threads, but overall, admin has done a very tough job well under difficult circumstances. Should be given more slack. Hater - Pierre Bush? Rico – Interesting character this Rico. Once strongly considered the possibility of him being gay (the fact that he is Canadian was a dead giveaway), but when I walked in sans shirt, he didn't even blink at my rippling pectorals. To really throw me off the scent, he got married. To a girl. Time will tell. Andre28 - Initially attacked me for no reason. When I asked him why he hated me, he said: "Because you're so god damn good looking." We shook hands awkwardly at the APA. I detected a little sexual tension. Seems like an ok guy. Friends with Dr Straight though - will not bode well when the cool kids come to hand out cool ratings. AntOs - pure, unadulterated, raging sex on a lanky frame. If terrorists were gong to kill 3 babies unless I sleep with a man, I would sleep with AntOs. I just hope I get a callback when it’s all over and we can hook up like Sandra Bullock and Keanu in Speed. Ant0s has a reputation as a heartbreaker. bigfatbastard - attacked me once purely because of my good looks. That's discrimination. You cannot hate someone just because they are attractive. My beauty is a curse BFB. BFB and I have forgotten each other last year, but the hurt still remains. I may yet write a strongly worded PM, and may even use denigrating and/or insulting language designed for maximum emotional impact. Tim Duckworth - Good kid. I suspect has much to learn about the gheyness of the poker industry and how variance can gangbang you, drive over you with an SUV, drench you in petrol, light you up, let you smoulder for awhile, then urinate all over you. You can have the video footage to prove it, but no one cares. They’ll pretend they do, but they really don’t. The world loves winners and shuns losers. Sing when you’re winning, lose and you lose oh so alone. My advice to Tim is: Win. And watch out for Martin Harvey types. Probably not a bad idea to just avoid anyone from the UK - one can not be too careful these days. Angie Italiano - lovely lady and everything that is good about recreational poker. Not good with 66 UTG, but consistently does her thing well and has fun doing it. Industry needs 100,000 more Angies and Doms, and 100,000 less Martin Harveys. Angie would NEVER create multiple fake JNW accounts to talk about how good she is. National news programs talk about how good Angie is. Lesson for Martin Harvey here – you can’t fabricate hype about yourself. Chambers - Seems like a good guy on the face of it, but not sure I can ever forgive him for timing out and folding when I had AA in a live donkament, and he single-handedly triggered the greatest downswing in poker history with that fold. Conversation between us is cordial as we are both mature, but definitely strained as a result of that hand. Sometimes I think I’ve moved on, other times the pain is still there. There is also some awkward sexual tension, mostly coming from Manoel vibes IMO. I mostly just ignore them. I think he's basically just a tease. Grunter - Good JNW poster. Solid MTT game. Can't catch a break. Runs worse than LSE:PRTY at UIGEA time. Don't worry Grunter, your time will come. You'll FT a 230 Turbo one day, I promise. Hooked up with CA. Brings a level of success to the CA operation. Smart move from CA. MPT will probably have to poach him one day though. No hard feelings CA. But we have room in our salary cap. Hopefully Grant's highly intelligent wife will be ABSENT during negotiations this time. I'm a fool, but I learn quickly. Grant, let’s discuss this one-on-one, no need for the women cluttering up the deal with their intelligent caveats and their slick negotiation skills and their crafty compromises. Wonky - Begged for backing/stakers for a single, specific event. Was roundly ridiculed heavily. Won the event. Ridiculously awesome. Solid player, maybe too cocky - variance has a beautiful French guillotine way of cutting you down to size, then crushing you up, spitting you out, and leaving you a twitching mess, drooling and muttering in the corner talking about penguins. danielg - Good kid. Voted "Gay Chef You Would Otherwise Sleep With If They Were Not Pork Fudgers" by Nobu reception and wait staff. Slept his way to the top, one sous chef at a time. Can be brain crushing dumb occasionally, but overall the cut of his jib is solid and he’s a positive contribution to any backhouse team. Leewah - Rich as God. Privileged lifestyle. Was given an Audi TT for graduating Year 10. It was rumoured that Leewah slept with Christina Aguilera in 1997. Both parties have denied this story. A statement from Aguilera’s publicist quotes: “Dave and Christina are very close friends but there is no romantic link between them at this stage. We ask the media to respect their privacy as they enjoy each other’s friendship.” Leewah swapped his Audi in for a Nissan Skyline. With the Skyline, sexual encounters plummeted, 'random' police pullovers soared, and Leewah was subjected to endless, if justified, ridicule. Once, in 2001, a very fast woman was heard to yell at Leewah: “In your dreams loser!” as it became apparent Leewah had made a play for the behemoth on the dance floor. Leeway has yet to correlate his misery with the fact that he owns a Skyline. He is yet to realise that the Skyline is the gheyest car ever made. antivirus – apparently doesn't care for Paul Ravisi. Why, I do not know. Antivirus sucks at AFL DT. May be importing thousands of Asians to work in sex parlours in Syd/Mel but I have no evidence of this or reason to believe that this is the case, apart from desperately wishful thinking. mailman - Knows as much about sports as I know about prescription drugs. Thinks KK is a good hand to open fold facing a check from Hachem. Hachem didn’t say anything, but I’m pretty sure I read his thoughts, which were, “Wow this guy is a donk!” The crowd laughed pretty hard at Aleks here. It was a pretty special moment. Aleks once washed my face with his hand on a club dance floor. Have never forgiven him for that, but hard to stay angry at a man who hits on Maria Sharapova in front of a crowd. Men want to be Aleks, women want to be with him; pretty sure Aleks wants to be a princess. We all want what we can't have. JethroJnr - Shaky early history (90% my fault) but all good now. Jethro had trouble getting past the fact that I was French. I can’t remember his exact line, but it was something like “I don’t like French people.” He never explained why. Jethro is one of the most under-rated humourists in Australian poker. When on song, can throw wit down like no one can, with the possible exception of Arul. Jethro’s best friend in the world is Ville. Jethro had arguably the best blog in Australia at one point. Danny McDonagh - world-class TD. 1st or 2nd in the world. Has social skills so advanced, he could probably evict me from a tourney and I would still respect his decision. If he was a judge sentencing me to Death Row, I'm pretty sure he could convince me why the decision was fair. Has read Dale Carnegies "How to Win Friends and Influence People" 1,411 times. Should probably work as a hostage negotiator. LaLa - don't know Angela all that well but seems like very cool chick, as far as girls go. Most girls have a god-given ability to endlessly tilt the world. LaLa doesn't yet have this ability, that I know of. May actually be able to play poker beyond 99.9% of girls who think the height of advanced strategy is pushing their 20bb SB stack over the top of LP openraisers. Not mentioning any names. Evelyn Ng. JoeyDel - writes quality stuff for Bluff. May possibly be Sean Callendar's toyboy. I have no evidence of this. This is pure slander. Sometimes slander is true though. You be the judge. Joey has a good future if he can stop making fun of immigrants. Immigrants and Armenians are people too Joey. Sort of. On paper anyway. Walk a mile in their sandals one time. You may think calling Ali a dirty terrorist is funny, but you don't see the hours of crying I have to endure from him after, then comes the late night booty calls, the deep panting into the phone receiver on a prank call - sigh. Just stop the hating Joey. It would also help if you stopped loving corrupt Italian soccer. Or soccer in general. I saw an exciting soccer game once. It was awesome, best game I ever seen. I was still bored for 70 minutes. Special K - another girl who missed the day in school where girls were taught how to tilt people endlessly. Relatively cool, but loses points for being friends with Vos and posting in support of Martin Harvey's hilarious disaster hype thread. Is working her way back to respectability. She could get there as soon as 2018. We're all allowed the odd error of judgement. Once, I was sure I ordered a Caramel Sundae, when in fact, I ordered Chocolate. LOL how embarrassing. Learn from this K. thamask - non-confrontational luckbox who wins Euros at an unfair rate. Has long hair, but this should probably not be held against him. Maybe the hairdressers don't take EUROS. Is probably a good guy despite the hair. Adam Blocker - Sigh. Decent guy but a hothead. Heart is in right place, brain just needs to follow. By all accounts is doing a job good running a PokerDome. Less death threats and more free comps for players, and redemption is on the cards for this stalwart of PNW drama. Mick Ryan - funny guy who manages some cute casino on an island somewhere who lets in bogans of any kind, so long as they are wearing $20 KMart jeans. Try to get in with $600 designer jeans and face the wrath of security. Whatever you do, don't explain to security that your jeans are worth his weekly salary. This did not go down all that well. Mick is cool but there are still unresolved issues over his banning me (an innocent, good-looking, charming victim) from Christchurch high-roller room after my name was given by a misbehaving ginga, who was picking baccarat fights with Asians. Overall, Mick is a decent chap, despite his inability to distinguish between the hair colours ginga and brunette. jonnymushrooms aka Rayan Nathan - Has spooky powers which prevent me bagging him for fear he will use them against me. If aliens attacked Earth with superior firepower, I would so join them. Rayan, I’m willing to join your secret alien society of MTT awesomeness. Just tell me who to kill as part of my initiation rites of passage. Please say Damien Leith or Gretel Killen. Goldfinger2 - Don't know who this is, but I like the cut of his jib. Toby? Sin City Admin - Owns a pokies tavern which means he's going to straight to hell. As I am. We'll probably be buddies there. Word. The day there are no more pokies in the world will be a happy day. Harley - Once tried to pay for a taxi fare by offering the driver a head job, from me. I was a team player. Once stole a washing machine from a girls house after she kicked him out. Respekt. Boondy - Delightful chap. Has the most fanciful and delightful stories. Believes he can run at 6bb/100 at 3/6nl online long-term. I would ridicule him roundly for this, just as I ridiculed the idiot for claiming he met Shannon Elizabeth once. I met Shannon once and she signed my poker paraphernalia. My buddies are so jealous. Boondy is one of the most enjoyable characters to dine with, even if he is a Philistine dressed in Armani. Pays for the bill with ridiculous generosity each time, and refuses to let me pay him back with a BJ. I think this is because he's scared of his own sexuality, or maybe it’s because he likes having me owe him. It's all about the power. Sexual power. I want to write Sexual Chocolate here also but it doesn’t really fit or make sense. But whatever, logic is made to be broken. Boondy is a sexual machine and he’s chocolately flavoured (I licked his shoulder once when he wasn’t watching). Sexual chocolate. Tip for young players, if something doesn’t fit straight away, just jam it and jam it until it goes in. This works for packaging and mailing at the Post Office also. Ali Khalil - delightful dark-skinned Australian who hails from the wonderful seaside city of Lebanon, where "Cats" has just opened to rave reviews and TNT. Lebanese women are the hottest in the world. Lebanese men are also sexy. They are a pretty elitist race of tanned sexbots who love the drama of a nice backyard built explosive device. This does NOT mean we should immediately imprison every Lebanese like Ali - but locking them up in comfortable holding pens probably not overkill (according to AB). "We will decide who comes to this country. And the circumstances in which they come." Racism under the flag of nationalism and patriotism is almost always hot. I want to go out and throw stones at tanned people to teach them a lesson; that they need to stay away from “our” women and “our” waves. Anyone who thinks that’s not worth hurting people or getting hurt for is a stupid moron. KASEACEdotCOM - probably ok guy that made a couple key mistakes early. Sent me unsolicited email where the core of it was he wanted me to send him money. Strike 1. Can't remember what the other strikes were, but pretty sure he's been benched. I think one of the strikes was over his looking at a player's mucked cards as he "was bored". Oh yea, he's American. Strike 3. Pwned. Hit the road Jack, and don’t you come back no more no more no more no more. Until next innings. Matt Spratt - My most hated enemy in 2004. Partly because he was a total doosh and also because his signature was "Spratt Factor". We battled many times. I pwned 71% (official figures). He then offered the olive branch which I accepted and now we're close friends, and occasional lovers. Spikey - Nice guy who lives in Adelaide. Good at maths, average at poker, good personality. His best idea was taking the casino to court over a discontinued Caribbean Poker Jackpot. Don't think he ever did it. Would probably have made a wonderful casino bonus whore back in the good old days, where bonus whores walked head and shoulders amongst weaker, inferior men and were besieged by endless groupies. Strong Play - does not rate Lee Nelson at all. Good, honest, ethical SNG player who smiles with that cheeky up twist that suggests that there are shenanigans to be had in his hotel room. Is always telling me to read boring autobiographies, most of which I'd never heard of. Stuff like "Winning 32 SNGs in a Row - the Joel Dodds story”. I looked everywhere on Amazon for this book. No luck. Bought Brunson’s books instead. Someone told me some good stuff in there about how religion and his belief in God helped him win $2 million whilst black babies starved. Strong Play is an eccentric chap. The good kind of eccentric. Phi - where is this kid? Lovable little bunny rabbit but often subjected to restraining orders. Has a huge heart, just eccentric social skills. Wouldn't hurt a fly, unless maybe it was a killer fly which was killing other flies at random. StolenSN - don't know who this is but is obviously a man of high intelligence. Usually agrees with me, an easy +EV line to take, but so few JNW's do it. It takes big kahunas to be right all the time like we are. greeneggs - lol. My first experience with this one-man UFC tornado was playing with him in a $100 live donkament. For an hour, he stared me down (anyone could see the sexual lust in his eyes). Normally I would be flattered, but he weighed about 42kg and was 5'4" and I simply go for a different style of guy. Later, I flippantly (and correctly) critiqued his blog as "being not funny". Death threats were then made, including a $20,000 challenge for an MMA fight to the death. When I was 9, I once fought my sister who was 12. I kicked her ass so hard. I totally pwned. I looked around for the sure to come rekspect but people just looked at me as if I was weird. It was that day I learned not to fight little pe Reply to this Post | Profile | Send Message | MSN Messenger | Blog yoyo Location: Manila, Philippines Total Posts: 7238 Last Post: 29 May 08 Player Profile Posted: 06:24 PM 26 May 08 Subject: Let's Say All The Things We Wanted To Say But Never Did..... When I was 9, I once fought my sister who was 12. I kicked her ass so hard. I totally pwned. I looked around for the sure to come rekspect but people just looked at me as if I was weird. It was that day I learned not to fight little people or women. Throw them in midget throwing competitions, dress them in child's clothes and make movies with them, rub their belly for Irish pot-o-gold luck, put them in high speed drying machines, put them in the boot when you have 5 passengers in a 4 seater car, use them for a range of hilarious and topical gags and jokes but, whatever you do, DO NOT fight them. If you win, you're a bully. If you lose, you're just embarrassed. Later, that sister of mine got back at me good my hooking up with a heroin junkie who stole my Walkman. Karma FTW. wizdumb - Dumb in 2005. Dumb in 2008. I bagged him in a HH thread and PNW all banded together to smash me. I explained to them all that I don't coddle. Calling a stupid thing a stupid thing is not offensive, just like saying most women drivers are harbingers of death, crashes and car park fender benders. It's only offensive if it isn't true. Anyway, wizdumb snapped at my advice 3-4 yrs ago, all of PNW supported him and called me a bully. Well the proof is in the pudding. I reckon if Wizdumb didn't receive the coddling from this hippy forum 3 years ago, he wouldn't be posting hands where action on every street is butchered. Wizdumb, you are a victim of being loved too much. If you're willing to throw off the shackles of love and -EV and become a winning player, let me know. Punty - I don't care for this character at all. Sure he seems pretty cool, makes the occasional smart comment, has a good sense of humour, owns midlimit NL with huge work ethic, doesn't have an enemy in the world, is loved universally by all his friends, graciously plays company Russian against me to keep me on his good side, but there's something...just...not right about him. I haven't a clue what it is, but when I find it, you'll be the first to know about it. Be warned. In the meantime, don’t give him the time of day, just in case. One can’t be too careful. chardy999 - our eyes locked from time to time on PNW but you never asked me to dance. I notice we're both running into each other a lot more on PC. Coincidence? or Fate? Obviously we are both geniuses of some kind, lets hook up on PC and be like buddies or friends or pals or something. For eva. For life. Secret handshakes and everything. Dr Straight - Started off as friends with this crackpot in 2004. Defended him in a cheating controversy involving that shifty Danny Seremet character. Am I the only one who gets the feeling Seremet is continually undressing me with his eyes? Anyway, Dr. Straight forgot I defended him and began attacking me for no good reason one day. I asked him why. He said "Because you're so god damn good looking." Lately he's been trying to be nice to me. But like the kid who jumped into the car of the stranger and spent the night in the forest, I'm weighing my options carefully before deciding to accept the bag of Chupa-Chups Dr Straight is dangling from the car window. Molest me once, shame on you. Molest me twice, shame on me. edyeinz - The famous brother of radio star Scott Jensen. Doesn't care much for Scotty, and can't really be blamed. Few people do. Scott - The infamous brother of Eddie Jensen. Once tried to pick up a crack hoe who wanted $2 for bus money. I may have the details of that story wrong. Scotty is annoying because he's like an identical version of me, only better-looking, smarter, has zero vices (I have 13), has discipline (I use discipline to stay under 2x Xanax a day), has smart friends (I'm surrounded by One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest characters but without the sense of humour), plays sports and is physically active (I tend to lose my ability to breath unassisted on my 3rd pack of smokes a day) - we could go on and on. The simple truth of the matter is: I pretty sure I'm packing more heat, so it’s a clear wash. Roy - Good at poker but wins a fortune. Sucks at Russian but wins a fortune. One of those guys you love to hate. Has a lot of my money at the moment, a situation which vexes my calm. May need to send some heavies around to ah ahem, “win” my Russian losses back. Andrew LeRoy - Strange, and scary old man. From all accounts, a mean drunk. Don't be fooled by the cardigan, he has been known to refer to female members of staff as "David Bowie" and once sent me a sexually explicit love email then claimed someone hacked into his PC. Claims he can beat 2/4nl online. Would not be able to beat 50nl online. Can probably beat a non-raked 5/5 Limit O8 game. Maybe. Has a chess piece (knight) as his avatar, which leads me to assume he either consciously or sub-consciously sees himself as a knight of sorts, galloping around looking for distressed damsels to rescue. He usually finds these in St. Kilda back alleys and gives them $150 to let him 'help' them. Probably nurses them back to health in his "fort" (basement) and hopes for romance to eventuate just like the Disney story said it would. There is nothing like keeping a girl captive until she falls in love with you. It's the only way to find true love. Andrew knows the score. SydRock - jury out on this character. Says some dumb shit. We all do. This entire long post might be the biggest failed attempt at humour of my life. But if it is, meh. It will just get lost in the Jokerwebs. Occasionally get the jeebies from SydRock - not sure why. Without evidence, will probably put his attitude down to youthful exuberance. I won't be here to enforce it SydRock, but consider yourself on probation until further notice. davidwrunner - The poker equivalent of the guy who was trying to breed stock horses (the carriage-pulling kind) when Henry Ford started pumping out his Model-T's. Why play the game of the future that everyone else is playing when you can instead play an inferior, dying, value-less, soul-crushing, tilt-inducing game like Full Ring Poker. David is not the biggest idiot on HH room, he even comes up with some intelligent comments, but I can't get past the fact that anyone would strive to excel at a dying game. It's like training 40hrs a week to play professional basketball in Australia. It just makes no sense to me. Houndboy - Says very little dumb stuff on JNW, which is indicative of top 1%. Claims I taught him everything I know, and that without me he would not have won $65,000 this week at Melb Champs. I told him, "Hey, what are friends for?" He said he hopes to reward me. I said not to worry. This whole conversation is not funny and didn't actually occur. Sleep exhaustion is taking its tool. Rambling is inevitable. Fuck you. Don’t look at me like that. It’s hard to be ‘on’ all the time. You try it if you think it’s so easy. Don’t talk to me. Bluebear - if girls like maths, Bluebear would be sleeping with models. Unfortunately, girls like witty, zany, intelligent conversation. Hahahahhaha. Ok, girls like shiny things, butterflies, talking about Big Brother, Oprah, trying to convince you they are qualified for a job you didn't even ask them about, talking about So You Think You Can Dance, giving you their resume when you haven't asked for it, talking about Sex In The City, talking about their achievements which are unrelated to the topic being discussed, talking about the bitch who said she said that Sportsgirl had the arm bands but its such a lie because of course everyone knows Sportsgirl sold out of those arm bands days ago, and talking about how Tommy hit on her and she doesn't like him but then again, he is kinda cute, do you agree? Girls also like to be neurotic, chaotic, annoying as hell, and they love not paying for bills of any kind. Girls like expensive things, they just like very much not to be expected to pay for a share. Don't confuse this with equality though; they want equal paychecks and the right to vote and affirmative action, driving licenses, divorce rights, all that new age stuff. I'm drifting off track here, back to Bluebear. Bluebear is cool and a good horsie. I like the guy a lot, but friends tell their friends harsh truths. The name. It's a little bit kiddy fiddler. It reminds me of Carebears. The problem with Carebears is that I’m pretty sure I could demolish them all drunk and with one hand tied behind my back. How the f is a multi rainbow of caring going to stop the 3 wood from crashing into Funshine Bear’s head? But maybe my mind is in the gutter. Maybe I should not be thinking about ways to end the entire Carebears race (including cousins) and should think more about Sailor Moon. Hmmm. FWIW, “yoyo” is pretty ghey name also. From now on, I want to be called “Scooter”. Ok I take back my comment Blue, and I hope you accept my apology. knightfan - Likeable kid. He was a downtown boy; I was living in an uptown world. At that stage of my life, I was looking for excitement and a bad boy like Jimmy brunged the adventure. Then he settled down, started talking big picture stuff, hardly beat up anyone that looked at me twice anymore, and we kinda just drifted apart. Once, this prick said, "Hey, there's a line here!”, when we were waiting for cheap bourbon, cigarettes and, if we had enough money, diapers for the baby. Jimmy didn't take the guy out and smash a bottle on his head like he normally would. I think this means he no longer loves me anymore. If he ever heads back to prison, I might look him up... T6teesix - Gofor's latest multi. I would like to say it’s an improvement on the other multi’s. But I would be lying. So I won't say that, because even white lies aren't cool. Like when a fat girl is wearing a boob tube, I don’t think it’s cool to take the soft, easy option and walk by shaking your head. We have a social responsibility to point out fashion disasters and visual pollution crimes. mattp - Used to be cool. Now makes boring posts. Either a) he is not as funny as he used to be, or b) he figures JNW is not worth the effort. Maybe both. lilray - Once ate Crusey's pumpkin soup. Once negotiated a street hooker down from $80 to $20 for "everything". She said, "And you can hit me for that price...but...not in the face." Shiver. lilray brushed past me once in a big kitchen (plenty of room) and pretended it was accidental contact. We both laughed it off. He called me homophobic and got aggressive. He tried to pin me down Simon Says style and explain to me it was just an accident. We wrestled for a little while but then the game became very adult and I wriggled out of it. Once he told me my eyes were pretty today. I'm playing hard to get. jw - Once taught me how to play PLO. Have never forgiven him. scotty balloti - I taught this guy how to drink Jagermeisters. We were young kids then and the world was full of hope and opportunity. Oh, the foolishness of youth. Tim Jones - I took him on last year and was soundly defeated. I caught him in a post misrepresenting the rake on PokerPro. I assumed there would be a public outcry. The lambs and lemmings did not follow. I got pwned. It was just like when I posted proof (HH's) on RGP in 2001 that PartyPoker dealt the same 52 cards two consecutive hands in a row to perfectly identical positions. Mike Sexton threatened me on the phone when I tried to extort him, RGP was unsupportive. Party was worth 10 billion a couple years later. The HH's were deleted from RGP, which supposedly never deletes a single post. I fought the law. The law won. True story. I no longer fight the machine anymore. I knew about PotRipper months before it hit the forums. But no one would have believed me. Pazz - sex and candy in a lean frame. No more to be said. If someone had a gun to my head and I HAD to sleep with a PNW’er, it would probably be Pazz. ------------ Disclaimer: Someone spiked my gin and tonic last night. If you don’t think the above is funny, you are either very sane or very retarded.